Monday, October 29, 2007

For My Husband
I read this joke a few days ago. For those of you who don't know, Shaun's day job is; Graphic Designer, so this joke is dedicated to him. Enjoy a humorous look into his life!!


As everyone knows, graphic designers are the reason
there are so many wars in this world. They get inside
our heads with their subliminal advertising, force us
against our will to spend money on crud, and
eventually, drive us to depression and random acts of
violence. And of course, most of them are
communists.

So to do my part to save the world from
them, i made a list of things you can do when working
with a graphic designer, to assure that they have a
burn-out and leave this business FOREVER.

1-Microsoft Office
When you have to send a graphic
designer a document, make sure it's made with a
program from Microsoft Office. PC version if possible.
If you have to send pictures, you'll have more success
in driving them mad if, instead of just sending a jpeg
or a raw camera file, you embed the pictures inside a
Microsoft Office document like Word or Powerpoint.
Don't forget to lower the resolution to 72 dpi so that
they'll have to contact you again for a higher quality
version. When you send them the "higher" version, make
sure the size is at least 50% smaller. And if you're
using email to send the pictures, forget the
attatchment once in a while.

2-Fonts
If the graphic designer chooses Helvetica for
a font, ask for Arial. If he chooses Arial, ask for
Comic Sans. If he chooses Comic Sans, he's already
half-insane, so your job's half done.

3-More is better
Let's say you want a newsletter
designed. Graphic designers will always try to leave
white space everywhere. Large margins, the leading and
kerning of text, etc. They will tell you that they do
this because it's easier to read, and leads to a more
clean, professional look. But do not believe those
lies. The reason they do this is to make the document
bigger, with more pages, so that it costs you more at
the print shop. Why do they do it? Because graphic
designers hate you. They also eat babies. Uncooked,
raw baby meat.

So make sure you ask them to put
smaller margins and really, really small text. Many
different fonts are also suggested (bonus if you ask
for Comic Sans, Arial or Sand). Ask for clipart. Ask
for many pictures (if you don't know how to send them,
refer to #1). They will try to argue, and defend their
choices but don't worry, in the end the client is
always right and they will bow to your many requests.

4-Logos
If you have to send a graphic designer a logo
for a particular project, let's say of a sponsor or
partner, be sure to have it really really small and in
a low-res gif or jpeg format. Again, bonus points if
you insert it in a Word document before sending it.
Now you might think that would be enough but if you
really want to be successful in lowering the mental
stability of a graphic designer, do your best to send
a version of the logo over a hard to cut-out
background. Black or white backgrounds should be
avoided, as they are easy to cut-out with the darken
or lighten layer style in photoshop. Once the graphic
designer is done working on that bitmap logo, tell him
you need it to be bigger.

If you need a custom made logo, make your own
sketches on a napkin. Or better yet, make your 9
year old kid draw it. Your sketch
shouldn't take more than 5 minutes to make. You don't
want to make something that's detailed and easy to
understand, because the less the designer understands
what you want, the more you can make him change things
afterwards. Never accept the first logo. Never accept
the 9th, make him do many changes, colors, fonts &
clip art. Ask him to add a picture in the logo.
Bevels. Gradients. Comic Sans. And when he's at his
10th attempt, tell him that you like the 2nd one the
most. I know, it's mean but remember: graphic
designers are the cause of breast cancer among middle
aged women.

5-Choosing your words
When describing what you want in
a design, make sure to use terms that don't really
mean anything. Terms like "jazz it up a bit" or "can
you make it more webbish?". "I would like the design
to be beautiful" or "I prefer nice graphics, graphics
that, you know, when you look at them you go: Those
are nice graphics." are other options. Don't feel bad
about it, you've got the right. In fact, it's your
duty because we all know that on fullmoons, graphic
designers shapeshift into werewolves.?

6-Colors
The best way for you to pick colors (because
you don't want to let the graphic designer choose) is
to write random colors on pieces of paper, put them in
a hat and choose. The graphic designer will suggest to
stay with 2-3 main colors at the most, but no. Choose
as many as you like, and make sure to do the hat thing
in front of him. While doing it, sing a very annoying
song.

7-Deadlines
When it's your turn to approve the
design, take your time. There is no rush. Take two
days. Take six. Just as long as when the deadline of
the project approaches, you get back to the designer
with more corrections and changes that he has time to
make. After all, graphic designers are responsible for
the 9/11 attacks.

8-Finish him
After you've applied this list on your
victim, it is part of human nature (although some
would argue weather they're human or not) to get a bit
insecure. As he realises that he just can't satisfy
your needs, the graphic designer will most likely
abandon all hopes of winning an argument and will just
do whatever you tell him to do, without question. You
want that in purple? Purple it is. Six different
fonts? Sure!

You would think that at this point you
have won, but don't forget the goal of this: he has to
quit this business. So be ready for the final blow:
When making final decisions on colors, shapes, fonts,
etc, tell him that you are disappointed by his lack of
initiative. Tell him that after all, he is the
designer and that he should be the one to put his
expertise and talent at work, not you. That you were
expecting more output and advices about design from
him.

5 comments:

Roxanne said...

hahahaha!!

Jen said...

I sure hope Shaun doesn't get a project from one of your blog readers Holly!!!!

Inthepursuitofgod said...

Ah classic one!

Tamatha said...

lol

Nana Cheryl said...

Oh my!! As the Mom of a Graphic Designer - this is NASTY!!! It would drive any designer (professional or casual) absolutely crazy!!! A great piece for what NOT to do to frustrate our wonderfully creative friends. :o)